How Long is Too Long to Be Engaged?

On more than one occasion I’ve been driving home from work, listening to the advice hour on a syndicated radio talk show, when some young lady would call in complaining about the fidelity or otherwise lack of commitment from her fiancé. Invariably, the talk show host asks, “How long have you been engaged?” If the answer is 2 years…3 years…5 years, the host says something like, “Dump him. If he hasn’t married you yet, it’s not gonna happen.”

If one is engaged for more than a certain amount of time, does that mean it’s likely that you are never going to marry that person? Exactly how long is too long to be engaged? Most people contemplate the wedding, the marriage, having children, living together, but they do not spend much time thinking about the true purpose of the engagement and how long that period should last.

Historically, during the times of arranged marriages, an engagement was both an opportunity for the couple to get to know each other better and an opportunity to blend families. Arranged marriages are still prevalent in some cultures and religions, but Western culture has largely done away with this custom. Most couples decide to become engaged after they have known each other for some time.

Randall, a 22-year-old business consultant, recently became engaged to his long-time college girlfriend, Kim. Randall says that they had already spent some time talking about their long-term plans as a couple, so he felt that the relationship needed to be formalized. They had been dating, but had not formally committed to moving forward with their lives as a couple. He explained that this is how he sees engagement – as a couple’s commitment to move ahead with the plans they have for their future lives together.

Christina, a 29-year-old recently engaged teacher, also says that she and her future husband, James, spent a lot of time talking about their plans for being a married couple prior to their formal engagement. Her thoughts about the reason for a formal engagement were more traditional in that she saw it as an opportunity to inform her family and close friends of their intent to marry.

Both of these couples are approaching their marriages in a realistic way. They haven’t gotten caught up in the hype of the wedding day. Rather, they have taken the time to discuss what it will mean for them to be a married couple. They know each other well and agree on the basic issues that are the backbone of a marriage such as, where they will live, whether they want children and when, management of finances, and, of course, the commitment to be with each other exclusively.

Melissa, a 34-year-old educator and divorcée, recently became engaged for a second time. Though she has known her fiancé, Charles, since childhood, she is a bit more cautious about her commitment than Randall and Christina because she has to consider her 8-year-old son from her previous marriage. Much like the engagements of yesteryear, during the engagement period Melissa wants to get to know Charles better while she observes his relationship with her son. She wants to be sure that the two important men in her life get along before they begin the actual planning of the wedding. She sees their engagement as a form of security and a commitment to work together on the issues that may arise when blending families.

So how long is too long to be engaged? All of these couples believe that under normal circumstances a formal engagement period should not be more than one year. This makes sense when one considers that prior to the formal announcement a couple has taken the time to know each other and has solid plans for their lives as a married couple. When the engagement is announced it should mean that they are ready to begin planning the wedding as well as putting some of their plans for marriage in motion. For example, they may want to begin looking for a home or apartment together.

Christina and James announced their engagement in February and plan to be married in July. Christina believes that an engagement of approximately six to nine months is acceptable as long as plans are moving forward. She thinks the relationship can become stale if too much time passes and nothing is happening to further the couple’s future plans.

Due to logistics, Randall explained that his engagement will be a long one – about eighteen months. He has a two-year commitment with his job in New York and his fiancée attends school in Boston. He plans to return to Boston in the summer of 2007 and be married by the winter of 2007. He said that he chose to announce the formal engagement now because they are both committed to each other and know that marriage is the goal of their relationship. They feel that they can take their time planning the wedding. But, he acknowledged, ideally an engagement should be between nine months and one year.

Melissa and Charles announced their engagement in September 2005 and do not have a set wedding date. Melissa expects to begin planning their wedding within eighteen months of the engagement date. She thinks that this will allow enough time to be sure that their families blend well and that marriage is a sensible next step.

It seems, then, that an engagement that is too long is one that does not have the commitment to move forward with building a life together. Several issues may prolong an engagement, such as wedding planning and logistics, but as long as the couple agrees on the direction and commitment of the relationship, there really should be no reason to have an engagement that lasts for years. If more than eighteen months have passed without taking steps toward planning for the wedding or marriage, the couple should have a serious conversation about the future of the relationship and whether marriage is the best direction to go.

- Michelle D. Morancie, Ph.D.

Dr. Morancie is a NYS licensed Psychologist. She lives and practices in Brooklyn, New York.