Are You Bringing Personal Baggage Into Your Marriage?

You’ve just checked into your luxurious honeymoon suite at the remote island hideaway that you and your spouse of less than twenty-four hours selected many months ago. The view from your balcony is spectacular. The crystal waters of the Caribbean Sea cause the rays of afternoon sun to dance, while the horizon seems to go on endlessly, holding the promise of a future full of hope, love, and happiness. You and your beloved begin to unpack so that you can truly begin your lives together. Out come the shorts, sandals, tank tops, and sexy negligees. But what else is hiding in the corners of that bag? Remnants of past love relationships? Unfinished business with your parents? Latent anger from something you experienced as a child? These are definitely items that can have a major impact on your new marriage.

In the paragraphs that follow two veterans of long-term marriages give their perspective on what extras they brought into their marriages and how they worked through the issues. Magdalena has been married for twelve years and Ruth has been married for sixteen years. Both women offer important insight into what it takes to cope with the excess luggage that we all bring into relationships.

Magdalena explains that “daddy” issues were seriously weighing down her luggage when she got married. It’s important to remember that when we choose a mate, it’s usually someone who reminds us of one or both of our parents. Subconsciously we sometimes get into romantic relationships either with someone who presents or with whom we can create issues that we actually need to work out with our parents. Magdalena’s father left her family when she was very young. As a result, she explains, “I tested all the significant men in my life to see if they would stay with me no matter what. I think I did a lot of testing along the way because I hadn’t gained my own sense of self-worth as a little girl from the most important man in my life . . . my dad.”

In a different twist on the importance of childhood relationships with our parents, Ruth describes bringing a lot of “hang-ups” to her marriage. She grew up with both parents in a very strict Christian household. “I had hang-ups about sex . . . and hang-ups about the roles of a husband and wife in marriage. In the beginning, I refused to be the kind of wife that my mother was. I was determined to do things for my husband only because I wanted to, not out of obligation.”

But these very serious issues don’t mean that a marriage is doomed. Being aware that you’re carrying this baggage is half the battle. Awareness helps you to deal with your issues for what they are . . . your issues. Sometimes it takes some deep soul searching to overcome the effects of one’s upbringing. Magdalena found that psychotherapy was a useful tool in her situation, as it helped her to become aware of how she was sabotaging her relationships. This is also a way to separate your “stuff” from the usual adjustments to marriage.

Another way to handle the bags is to maintain communication with your mate. Ruth says that “sometimes my husband and I stayed up all night getting through some tough discussions . . . I knew before we got married how he felt about me not being so domestic, not cooking if I’m tired after work, not always being accountable for my time and money.” Ruth and her husband were able to communicate and become sensitive to each other’s feelings regarding important issues.

As you embark on this new phase of your adult life, keep in mind that there is no way to avoid bringing your past along with you. After all, it is those past experiences that have molded you and made you into the person that your future husband or wife wants to spend the rest of his or her life with. As long as you don’t displace your anxieties and fears onto your mate, both of you will be okay.

The solution to managing those items that have the potential to weigh down your relationship is to be aware of the parts of your history that may interfere with your ability to build a strong, trusting relationship. Always leave communication lines open with your spouse, and always, always remember that you cannot change anything about your mate, but each of you can change yourself and the way that you handle yourself in the marriage. And finally, the key virtues for working through issues brought into a marriage are love, tolerance, patience, acceptance, and understanding.

~Michelle Morancie, Ph.D.